What’s in a marriage?

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Observations, Tunmun, Venky

Summer holiday is in full swing. There is no compulsion for the kids to sleep early. They are making the most of it. Every night they want a “role play” session once we are on the bed. Tunmun is the one who gets to decide which story. Sometimes it is “The little red riding hood”, or “Jack and the bean stalk” or maybe the “The little red hen.” Yesterday, she chose “The jungle book.”

For the jungle book role play, their dad always gets to be Baloo. After all he is the one with spongy tummy . Vibhu was down with cold yesterday, so he refused to let Tunmun (who was now playing Mowgli) sit on his tummy. “Mommy is Baloo today.”, he said. 

I refused to be Baloo. After all, I have already done my share of letting the kids lie in my tummy for 9 months. I am totally done with it. No more sleeping in or on my tummy!

Venky racked his brains, “Okey, mommy is Bagheera then. You can climb on her back Tunmun.”

“No way, I am mother wolf. Come, give me a kissie.” (Mother wolf gets to lick her kids )

“No. You will be Bagheera.”

“No. I will be mother wolf.”

“No. Baloo and Bagheera are best friends. You will be Bagheera.”

“How does that matter?”

“Papa is Baloo. You and papa are best friends,so you will be Bagheera.”

I was listening now!

“Who told you we are best friends?”

“I know.”

“How?”

“That is why the two of you married. Now you become Bagheera.”

Parenting is a tough job. You want to perform well there. In fact you want to excel. But you have no clue of how you are doing. Feedback is none/ limited/ vague. Your bosses are judging you 24X7 but not telling you. And by the time you get your report card, it’s often too late.

These sudden validations are relieving and heartening. Two important points to note here are

1. Venky thinks his parents are best friends.

2. Venky thinks marriage is about friendship.

So, as far as marriage is concerned and more specifically his parents’, we are giving him the right picture Phew!

Mother’s day

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Observations

FIL underwent a surgery over the weekend. The day was hectic and needless to say, I did not remember that it was mother’s day. I never do. Our generation has not grown up on mother’s day.

Somewhere during the course of the day when FIL was finally shifted to his room, our minds eased a little. Vibhu reminded Venky that it was mother’s day. He offered to take him shopping for a gift for me in exchange for points. Well, Venky had a better idea – he promised 10 good night kisses everyday as a mother’s day gift and I was more than happy !

Later in the evening Venky and Tunmun made a card. Basically , their new found obsession  - paper boat, stuck on a paper and decorated and colored When I found some time later, I made my weekly call to my mother. She said “I was waiting the whole day for you and your brother to call. Today is mother’s day!” Really? I was taken by surprise. My mom, who lives in a small Indian town was waiting for a greeting on American Mother’s Day? And why not? I thought. While I did not care too much about this day myself, my kid’s card did lift my spirits. Oh yes, mothers are important, all of us know. And are loved, we know that too. But it’s always nice to be reminded and appreciated once in a while.

So, this post is for you dear Ma. We are poles apart. You, the quintessential , sacrificing Indian woman who selflessly puts her family before herself and follows the rules of patriarchy. I, who was always branded selfish and am proudly so.

After years of thinking there was nothing common between you and me, a mausi of mine said  ”How do manage with two kids and full time career and no real support system (read grand parents)? You really are your mom’s daughter!”  That struck home. It WAS true. My strength and will power to fight the system comes from your strength and will power to follow and manage in spite of the system. That STRONG gene is yours!!! It just got used differently

Dear Ma, I truly learned to appreciate you after I became a mother myself.  As my kids grow, I discover my traits that are yours. Now, I can hold long conversations with you and for the first time after kids I see myself nodding at what you say and I realize that I am more you than papa. 

So, thank you Ma and thank you kids for giving my relationship with Ma a makeover!

SIX

Six, six, six, six ….. I have to keep repeating this number to make myself believe that you have indeed been around for that long. Haven’t you grown up a little too fast? From my little, restless bundle of energy to a quiet, responsible, sincere kid.

Yes sweetheart, you have changed this year. You have matured in more ways than one. You are happy to help out when your mom is shifting rooms and spring cleaning. And well, I was surprised that you noticed that I arranged your bookshelf and what’s more, appreciated it too!

Now, you prefer to be with your friends over us. The sphere of external influence is increasing and you throw some surprises and some shockers at us.

You not only know what Gangnam style is, you can even dance to it. I bet we have never shown you the video or even mentioned it ever.

The other day when we were discussing that some one we knew was getting married, your question was “Is it an arranged marriage or a love marriage?” ! Well, I think I better start preparing the answer for when you will pop the question on us!

You can understand and crack jokes now.

“When a snake bites, you should tie a rope or cloth above it and cut the vein where it has bitten so that the poison does not spread.”, Venky tells me.

“Yes.”

“So, if you do not find anything to tie what will you do?”

“What?”

“Tie the snake.”

You learn with sincerity. Be it english, maths or swimming. You make all your effort. You give your 100%. Your maths skills remain quite advanced and you have us dreaming of sending you to Ivy League schools and making it big in the tech world.

But my dear son, I want you to know and remember that you reserve the rights to give up our dreams for the sake of yours. We may be upset; please point us to this blog then. You have the right to think differently from ours, have different goals and aspirations. And you have the rights to follow them. But then, we reserve the rights to try to convince you to our point of view I want you to remember dear Venky that you do not owe us meeting our expectations. We are blessed to have you just the way you are. Just the way you are. And we have to become the parents of the person you are. Not that it is easy with your high energy and fussy eating :p

Love you lots, my little-big boy.

Mommy

Tunmun can draw!

She can make a stick figure at two months short of three !

She had made great progess with fine motor skills. We often say that she can pull a thread through a needle!

 

 

 

Follow up

Project is in full swing. I often check mails from home. Some times I pull up my laptop and do a bit of work if required. All this, while I am hanging around the kids and participating in their activities. As expected, I am not really paying too much attention to what they are doing.

Vibhu – “Kitna kaam kar rahi ho yaar!”

Venky – “Mommy, what is more important, work or kids?”

I – “Arre, didn’t you say that I should work and not stay at home to take care of you?”

Venky – “But why are you working when you ARE home?” 

Kindly suggest some smart answers.

He said it

Sometimes I ask Venky if I should quit work and stay at home to take care of him. The answer is always a big resounding NO.

A few days ago, I popped up the same question to hear back the same answer. 

“Why not? Your friends X and Y’s moms stay at home.” (Most of the moms in my colony at SAHMs)

“What will you do at home, mommy?”

“What ever they do. Cook for you. Take care of you.”

“Mommy, is it necessary that all people have to be the same? Why can one not be different?”

I was rendered quite speechless by the profoundness of his statement. He could have asked the whole world that. I couldn’t help not feeling joy and pride at my son’s understanding and acceptance of differences, more so when his mother was concerned. 

Way to go, my little philosopher!

Putting to sleep

All mothers know what a tough task that is. You have sing, rock, walk with the baby and when they grow older, you have to start calming down the little bundle of energies. You have to pat, cuddle,caress, tell stories, put the light out, feign sleep … the list goes on.

So Tunmun likes to cozy up and sleep in body warmth. A lot of times I sleep off before her and then she tugs me and cuddles up.

Yesterday, we were following our sleep routine. I was very sleepy and Tunmun was not. I was desperately trying to make her sleep. She was singing her newly learnt rhymes and in the process rolling all over the bed. I pulled her into myself to cozy her up hoping that would induce sleep.

“I am here only mommy.” She said. She caressed my hair and patted me. From her point of view, it was I who needed to be cuddled to be put to sleep.

And I did. She was not all that wrong!

A different life

A few days ago I was having a “get to know each other” chat with my new boss. “What are your career aspirations?”, he asked.

“I don’t know.” I replied.

“I don’t know.”??? Seriously? I actually said that? To my boss? What was I thinking?? I wondered at my own reply, the moment it slipped out of my lips.

But that is the truth. I am enjoying what I do. I like the fact that it is mostly stress free. I get enough time with my kids. I would like to have a reasonable growth rate in my career and not fall behind everybody. But there is no finishing line.

When I told Vibhu about the conversation he was upset. “What kind of career stalling reply was that?”

“When  I fell for you, I had thought that you would be attending board room meeting in short skirts by this time. But look at you! You behave like a housewife working only for time pass.”

To tell you the truth, 12 years ago, that is the picture I had for myself too. Attending board room meetings in short skirts. Having a high-flying life. I even pictured my self divorced because I imagined no man will be able to take that. Kids were nowhere in the plan.

I am not sure why I had Venky. Probably because Vibhu surely wanted to be a dad and I was not sure that I did not want to be a mom. Plus all the moms of this country were making my life hell with baby demands. So, I thought I might as well have a baby and Venky arrived. And Bam! My whole life changed.

In between sleepless nights and diaper changing sessions I fell hard in love with the little man. I discovered that side of myself which I did not know existed. Everything else became insignificant compared to the new lovely world of parenthood.

So here I am. With two adorable kids. A working mom who wants a career, but a board room meeting is not my calling anymore. Playing with my kids is. And in between cuddles and kisses and hugs, dare I say that life is good? It is beautiful. It is a blessing. I am loving every moment it and I can only thank my kids for that.

Ulta Pulta

We are having dinner at our favourite Chinese restaurant. Dim-sums arrive and the kids cannot wait to gulp it down. Tunmun starts cutting hers with the knife. As she struggles, I notice that she is using the wrong edge of the knife.

“Tunmun, tum ulta kaat rahi ho.” I say.

Tunmun promptly overturns the dim-sum and starts cutting again

First!

What do you say to the siblings who are always racing to come “first” everywhere when they are climbing down the stairs?

“The one who reaches last will come first!”

Needless to say I am at my nerves end .